Is He a Commitment Phobic?
I know a lot about commitment phobic men. I have talked to hundreds of women who claim they are with a commitment phobic man. I am not so sure I buy it. Most of what I have read is just about men who behave badly and are then labeled as commitment phobic men as an excuse.
Oh I am sure there are a few commitment phobics, but not near as many as we seem to think. A lot of times is just the man has not reached a level of emotional attachment to a woman. It doesn’t mean he is scared of commitment, it just means he may not be feeling it for that particular woman.
I have seen many a confirmed bachelor marry. I have seen a man walk away from a long term relationship to marry a woman he has only dated a few months. The woman they leave behind claim they are commitment phobics. The women they go towards say they make wonderful spouses or partners.
Signs He Is A Commitment Phobic
If you are in a relationship with a commitment phobic man, there are signs. Men who are commitment phobes actually can function inside of a relationship. Your first clue though may be the feeling that you aren’t included in all aspects of his life. On some level you may feel you are being held at arms length. Let me explain a bit further.
A man who fears commitment can still do all the things a boyfriend does. He can call every day. He can take you out on dates. He probably treats you very very well. In determining if he is a commitment phobe of a man it’s best to look at what he doesn’t do as opposed to what he does.
Are you welcome to come and go at his house? If you are like part of the family, he may not have commitment issues. If on the other hand you don’t feel comfortable just showing up there may be a problem. These men and women for that matter seem to keep their private space very private.
If you leave anything at his house, he politely returns it to you. There is no tooth brush of your own in his bathroom and certainly not any feminine products. A man ready to commit will not only allow you to have items of yours at his house, he will encourage it.
Many mistake hot passion in the bedroom for a sign that he is present and all yours. This is not always the case. A commitment phobic man can be very very passionate in the bedroom. It’s his only outlet for intimacy and even commitment phobics need love. If he doesn’t hang around long afterwards or is not willing to join you for breakfast in the morning though, beware.
If he doesn’t really go out of his way for you to meet his family, that is a strong sign he isn’t going to commit. Commitment phobics keep the very personal parts of their life separate from their girlfriends. It’s almost like you know all about them, yet you don’t really know them. I dated a man like this once. His daughter began to bond with me and I always felt he did not really want that to happen. Nothing I could really put my finger on, just a gut feeling.
Often men with fear of committing have been married before. They live in fear, even if they aren’t aware of it, of what happened last time. Men take it hard when a marriage fails. It feels to them like they have failed. Men don’t like to fail or let us down and often their fear is based on the fact that once again, they may fail and let you down.
One thing is for sure. If you are dating a commitment phobe man, over giving, trying to be what you think he wants or needs won’t work. A man like this needs a strong independent woman to lead him to commitment.
There are several things that make an emotionally unavailable man so hard to spot. The first thing is they often have a lot of the right actions. They call when they say they will. They take you out, treat you very well. They may even call you girlfriend. Yet there is something missing. A certain closeness that is just not there. You may be included in his life, yet you feel left out.
There is a reason you feel left out. Call it gut instinct. Call it your subconscious picking up little clues that the conscious may deny. These unavailable men are often men over 35. They are more set in their ways and have routines. They may cut the grass on Saturday and never bend that even in exchange for a spur of the moment good time with you. He may not stick around for pillow talk. He may not camp out at your house for the weekend. He sticks to his standard boyfriend girlfriend routine. If you don’t feel like you are included chances are it’s because he in fact is an emotionally unavailable man and closeness is not something he thinks much about. It’s the intimate closeness that seems to be missing.
Another reason these emotionally unreachable men are hard to spot is because a lot of them are completely unaware that they are this way at all. They do the right thing, they treat you well, they honestly don’t see themselves like this at all. They haven’t done the self work to heal from the battle scars of their past. They carry around baggage and remain in denial that the baggage has a claim on them. These men are the ones that down the road tell you, I don’t think I am ready for a relationship.
Not ready for a relationship is the key here. An emotionally unavailable man is a man who is not ready for a serious relationship. One that he shares deeply with his partner. If I had to sum up these men the word sharing would come in the picture. A man or woman for that matter that wasn’t willing to share and open up their world and hearts completely to a partner. It’s alright to keep little pieces of your life to yourself, but if you feel you partner is keeping more to himself than sharing, he might be one of those emotionally unavailable men.
Emotionally unavailable men often end up turning into disappearing men. Find out what thousands of women are discovering about emotionally unavailable men here.
Can A Commitment Phobic Change
Yes I think he can. You can’t do it for him though and you can’t force him. You won’t win him with words. You won’t win him telling him how you feel and you won’t win him by bending over backwards to please him. If you are doing things for this commitment phobic man thinking this will turn his heart, you are heading for heart break.
It takes a smart, patient woman who loves herself more than him to win his heart. It takes a woman who doesn’t make excuses for his bad behavior. A woman that will walk if he crosses her boundaries. It also takes a woman who knows how to make him feel safe. It;s the woman that knows how to challenge him, not with words, but actions and the way she treats and views herself that can win the heart of a commitment phobic. I have seen the most unavailable seemingly Commitment Phobic men risk it all for these women.
If you are trying to be the perfect girlfriend, this will not make the commitment phobic commit to you. How many times have you seen a man trade in a woman that gives and gives to him for a woman who is not so accommodating? How many times have we heard women say, I treated him so good, he won’t find anyone who treats him better. The truth of the matter is men are happier when they are making you happy. They then feel like the hero. Over giving to him does nothing to elevate his hero status, it just elevates yours.
What Makes Men Fear Commitment
There are thousands of women out there wondering if the man they are involved with is a commitment phobic. You may be in a relationship and constantly wondering what is he thinking about me. Is he ever going to commit? You are scared he may end up breaking your heart. We as women have these fears, so isn’t it natural for men to have fears of their own. What makes me fear commitment.
One of the main contributing factors is what happened last time. Let me explain. Last time he made a commitment, it didn’t work out or he would not be dating you currently. There were probably many times before last time as well. These experiences form these layers around a man’s heart and cause him to develop certain belief systems. Beliefs such as women will react negatively to certain things.
Maybe the woman before you did not show appreciation for him. No matter what he did maybe it wasn’t enough. So in his next relationship, he holds back on his giving. Also note that I am sure he also played a role in the demise of a previous relationship. That being said, many men would rather avoid commitment than dig deeper into self and admit and take responsibility for their actions or contributions to the demise of a previous relationship. Women do the same thing.
I call this type of fear of commitment in men the victim mentality. They have the attitude that they were done wrong and blame the ex partner. If you have a man who talks of his ex and all the awful things she dd to him, you have a commitment phobic man who sees himself as the victim. Until he steps out of this, chances are he won’t change. That blame game is self sabotage in the form of men that fear commitment.
Dating a Commitment Phobic Man
Often when you date a commitment phobe, you are unsure where you stand. You don’t know how he feels. When you are together it seems so great. The connection and chemistry feels so right. It’s the time when you are apart that your head spins.
Commitment phobic men leave you wondering when you are apart. Sure he contacts you or may stay in touch, but there is something that is missing. You just don’t feel a part of his life completely. You feel like he isn’t letting you in his heart.
When dating a commitment phobe, you can’t push him. To do so only pushes him away. If you ask where you stand he is going to tap dance around the subject. Don’t waste your time with words on this man. Words don’t reach him.
Commitment phobic men fear the loss of their freedom and they fear it a lot. The more questions you ask, the more you push, the more he feels this fear. Pushing him threatens his freedom in the worst of ways. If you are dating this commitment phobe, stop with the questions now.
Men who fear commitment have to be reached on a deeper level. The fear of losing you has to become greater than that fear of losing his freedom. He needs to feel a deep emotional attraction to you to commit. Questions and pushing and clinging tighter will not create that attraction.
You have to make him feel safe. Making him feel safe takes time. It is not done with words but with actions. Now this does not mean being a doormat. Quite the opposite.
He needs to know that your entire universe does not revolve around him. He needs to know that he isn’t responsible for your happiness. In other words, you need to have your own life. This way he does feel safe. He doesn’t fear you will fall apart if he screws up. The result, he respects you more and screws up less.
Dating a commitment phobic man requires a unique kind of woman, one that is patient, firm, and knows how to build that deep emotional attraction. That attachment that the commitment phobic man learns that he doesn’t want to live without.
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If He Is Not Ready For a Relationship
There are men, lots of them that just aren’t ready for a relationship. Many of them are even in a relationship and won’t realize until later that he isn’t ready. This is the guy who does what he is supposed to do. He calls consistently. He takes you out every weekend. By appearance sake, he seems right, yet something doesn’t feel right. He is doing the right things, but he there is also some things he is not doing that gets to you.
Maybe he doesn’t hang around during the day time. You know, once the date and the sex are over, he won’t be laying on the couch with you the next day chilling and eating junk food with you. He doesn’t do little things just for the hec of it, like take a drive, stop by because he can’t wait to see you. The little things are missing.
He may keep your lives separate on some levels, while letting you in on others. He picks the parts that you are included in. This puts him dictating the terms and conditions of your relationship and there isn’t much you can do about it unless you leave. I suggest you think hard about a man like this. These are the men that one day wake up and say “It’s not you, it’s me”, or “I am not ready for a relationship”.
When a man tells you he is not ready for a relationship, believe him, he is right. There is no sense in trying to force it. Maybe he has unresolved issues. Maybe he hasn’t dealt with his past or healed from old wounds yet. Doesn’t matter. A man who is not ready for a relationship is of no use at all to you, unless you enjoy self abuse. Get rid of him. Tell him thanks for the wonderful time spent, but you are ready and you do want more out of it than he seems to want and walk away.
Easier said than done I know, but really, you are spinning your wheels on a man that is not ready for a relationship.
What Does She Have That I Don’t?
So many times the man that would not commit to us ends up committing and even marrying another woman. Just recently I witnessed on Facebook a true commitment phobic gushing over his girlfriend in public! He was commenting that he had the greatest girlfriend in the world. He has posted to her everyday. This is a man who would not even invite a girlfriend onto Facebook before her. What does she have that the other women before her didn’t.
It’s not something you can really put your finger on and I can assure you it certainly isn’t her looks. He has dated much more attractive women before. I emailed him to congratulate him and he again raved about her. It’s obvious that it it the way she makes him feel. Men commit to women that make them feel good and make them feel like men. It’s that simple. The women before him for whatever reason did not make him feel near as good as this one.
So what does she have that you don’t have? A way to make a man feel good. She probably understands the female dynamics and how to make a man feel trusted, and appreciated. You can bet that there is in fact something different about this woman. I have been told this woman could have her pick of men. She choose my commitment phobic friend or did he choose her?
Regardless there are women out there who just naturally know how to inspire men to commit. It would serve us all well to learn her secrets I do think. How to become the woman men adore.