An Abusive Relationship
I wanted to tell my story and get it out there, for anyone who may find themselves living inside an abusive relationship. I was able to get out and now I live a very a safe happy well adjusted life, and I hope that my story can even help 1 woman get out and have their life back.
How does it start?
At 17 years old I married my high school sweetheart, was pregnant and moved into my husband’s brother’s house. It wasn’t the most ideal situation but I had made my bed so I knew I had to lie in it and do the best I could to give my child a family.
In the beginning my husband and I were so in love and we did everything together, even though we were so young we thought we could create a beautiful life together and raise our daughter with a mother and father in her life.
There were definite signs from the very beginning that things were not right with how my husband treated me, but being in love and young I never realized the road I was going down was going to be a nightmare of unbelievable hurt and abuse in every aspect.
My husband was very jealous over other men but I took that as he loved me so much and at first it was feeling of being protected from others and cared for, but I was so wrong.
Here is my story of abuse from the hands of the man I loved.
As all couple do we would argue here and there and being pregnant also made me more emotional to everyday things. I didn’t know it then but looking back my husband Eddy had started to chip away at my self-esteem and was creating a life for us where I was whole hardheartedly dependent on him in every way.
I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy and Eddy would comment and make remarks that made me start to feel bad about myself and I remember feeling how fat and ugly I must look to him being 9months pregnant.
He started to not come home after work right away and go for drinks with his buddy’s, I would be left alone and cry to myself, why doesn’t he want to come home. When I would ask he would say things like, “Your as big as a house , why would I want to come home to that” or when I asked why I couldn’t go too i would hear how as I’m a having a baby I must stay home and try to be a good mom to be.
There would be times I would want to visit my mom or my friends and Eddy would start arguments out of nothing and so I wouldn’t end up getting out of the house to do any visiting. I became a prisoner in my own home and spent my days waiting for my husband to come home and I became so dependent on him that I had no life whatsoever.
The turning point came one night when eddy came home at 11pm from work and I was so upset that when he walked in the door I went to him and confronted his lateness and leaving me alone so long, I never saw it coming but in an instant he back handed me in the face and started yelling at me who the hell did I think I was to tell him what to do.
I froze and stared at this man that is supposed to love me and as tears poured down my face Eddy turned things around and shouted “Now look what you made me do”. That night I huddled on the couch in fear and loneliness and for the next few hours Eddy screamed and shouts such hurtful things at me.
He was drunk and I remember cowering there waiting for the next slap, waiting for the pain, but that night there wasn’t another hit just verbal abuse inches from my face. When he was done he stormed out and I just sat there all night feeling so alone, scared, exhausted and just stunned.
When morning came Eddy walked in with flowers and came to me begging my forgiveness, saying he loved me so much and he so sorry and that he would never do it again. He started to cry and looking back I can’t believe it, but I started to feel bad for him and I held him and said that I forgave him.
Not long after I had my beautiful baby girl and Eddy had kept his word for a long time, but slowly his jealousy started to rear its ugly head, because I lost my baby weight and Eddy would start to become more and more agitated by everyday things.
He started to really pick me apart from my body being flabby to the clothes I wore or how my hair looked. As time went on he chipped away at any self-worth I had, I started to feel like I deserved his rantings and my relationships with my family and friends started to diminish daily.
Previous article: How to Leave an Abusive Husband
Finding Myself in an Abusive Marital Relationship
Looking back I still can’t believe that I was living a life of terror, fear, embarrassment and such loneliness. The verbal abuse was as bad as the physical, the emotional was draining and my existence was all based around a man whom I thought I would build a loving family and life with. I told no-one and because I was always a bit of a klutz people always believed the cuts and bruises were of my own doing.
I had another daughter in 1999 and my whole life revolved around trying to protect my girls from seeing fights and the yelling, and everyday consisted of walking on egg shells and trying to never upset my husband. As the years went by and my friends just thought I was too busy for them and my family felt I had abandoned them for my in-laws I was left on my own to fight my husband’s mean and overpowering demons.
I didn’t work and any people I saw were my in-laws or my husband’s friends and their wives or girlfriends and I became an expert at hiding the true horror that I was an abused woman living in a nightmare I never thought I would get out of
After about 8 years of marriage and being controlled like a puppet something happened that at the time I didn’t realize would change my life. My husband lost his job and couldn’t find a decent paying work and so he told me I had to get a job to bring some income into the household. I was terrified I hadn’t been able up to this point to have type of freedom and I wasn’t sure I could do this.
Remember when someone is telling you daily for years your worthless, useless that you can’t do anything right, I had no self-esteem to pull this off. I wasn’t given a choice so I went out and found myself a job at a local grocery store and that day was the 1st day down a road that would change my life forever!
The Road Out of My Abusive Relationship!
So now I had a job a place to go and feel free and safe, I started to make friends and my shyness started to slowly melt away, and every shift was like a dream. Something strange started to happen, I started to feel good about myself and when I would get home my husband would rant about what took me so long to get home, or he would question me to death if I talked to any guys.
While I was growing strength inside it must have shown on the outside because my husband would back down a bit here and there from yelling daily to not as much. I started to stand for myself and look him in the eye more. What I began to learn was that he was scared that he wasn’t controlling me as much and that now that I found my voice he was stepping back here and there.
One day I realizes he was just a coward a bully who couldn’t deal with me standing up for myself, it was the most empowering uh ha moment ever. Don’t get me wrong he was still verbally abusing me and the odd time he would shove me or backhand me and I was still fearful but like I said earlier each day gave me just a hint more self-esteem and my feeling good about myself began to change my thought process.
I started to realize I was useful and I wasn’t stupid and people liked me for me not because they were one of the wives of my husband’s friends. As time went on my strength to get myself and my girls out of this destructive situation began to grow and I finally had the courage to go to my sister and tell her everything.
When I sat down and started telling what had been going on for the last 10yrs she was mortified and truly devastated that she didn’t see the signs. We talked for hours and cried and she kept apologizing for not being there for me, but I had to make her understand that I became a master of hiding my ugly secret and nobody was at fault but my husband Eddy.
Of course she wanted me to move in with her immediately but I explained I had a plan and I was scared that when I did leave that he could go over the deep end and as we all have heard most women die at the hands of their abusers when they leave.
So I started to do research on how to protect myself, help lines where the woman shelters were and so on. I started to put a bit of money each cheque and move little bits of things to my sisters, and never been so excited for the future but fear still was playing a huge role in my decision.
Eddy could tell something was up and something was going on, and he started to harass me constantly about what I was up to and I Knew the time had come to go or confront him. My daughters were staying with my parents out of town for a visit and that night he tried his best to rattle me and make me feel like I needed him and no one but he would ever love me the way he does, and that comment was my unraveling.
Love, did he just actually say that to me and all those years of fear, degradation boiled over and I fought back, emotionally and verbally, I’ll let it all out. As I stood there telling him how dare he, and who the hell he thought he was doing that to me all those years he seemed to grow small and weak and I finally saw him for what he was, a small lowlife coward who had such huge insecurities and I saw that I became strong and empowered and I told him I was leaving him and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
When I walked out I really felt the hairs on the back of my neck, I was waiting for it, was I going to be knocked down from behind, would I feel a knife in my back, but nothing came and as I put a foot in front of the other I found myself outside getting in my vehicle and driving away. I had done it, I had left him and the fear, the terror, the sadness was left in that house, and remember smiling driving to my sisters with such an immense feeling of freedom that started to cry, but this time I was crying for the excitement my life and my girls life would about now, it was amazing.
This is just a small story about my relationship and the road I went down to get here today. I know there are thousands of women out there in this same situation and don’t know how to get out and don’t get me wrong, I was one of the lucky ones because he didn’t kill me or stop me so I am not even suggesting anyone to go about tings my way. I just wanted to share this part of my life so others may find strength to take the right steps for their situation because NOBODY should ever be owned, abused, controlled and live in fear.
Leaving the marriage was still a long road of pain ahead, but it was worth all the hard work and the ups and downs that came after. The first six months my husband would harass me on the phone and show up at places I was at.
He would show up at my work drunk and beg me to come back and there were times I thought this was it, he was going to full fill his words of “If I can’t have you then nobody will have you”. He broke into my apartment and had a gun with him, thank god the kids weren’t there and for 3 hours he wouldn’t let me leave or even move.
He was demanding I come home with him and that we had good times and try and remember those times. I couldn’t say the words he wanted me to say, I would never again tell him I loved him or that I was willing to work things out, I had felt freedom and I was ready to fight to keep it.
I knew he was drunk and so I kept talking and letting time go by, I could he was having a hard time to stay awake and I just waited it out. Finally he passed out, I slowly took the rifle and I ran outside and sat in my truck and called 911. Things seemed to get better after that, he was slowly leaving me alone and finally the day came when I found out he had a girlfriend and was left alone to live life the way I wanted.
The girls and I went to counseling and I opened up about everything to my family and friends and I started heal as did my kids. Over the years there have been bumps in the road with him but today I am able to be civil with him if we need to talk about our beautiful girls who should never have had to live through any of that.
Today I live life on my terms, my girls are 22 and 25 and their relationship with their father is strained at best. They are strong beautiful, well-adjusted young women and even though they should never have seen the things they saw they have the strength to never let a man treat them with any ill-will.
I live a good life, I don’t look back and say poor me instead I’m stronger than ever and I hope others will find their way out so that they too are rewarded with a life of freedom, happiness and most importantly respected by the man in their life.
It’s a good day today!